Embarrassing your offspring is one of the delightful consolations of parenthood. They may have taken your sleep, your body, your career, your sanity, but the power you have to make them cringe is a weapon to be wielded with glee. Embarrassing your husband is an added bonus.
These are tried-and-tested methods; the older the child, the better it works, although I am very capable of embarrassing a two-year old.
- Wear a studded leather choker to school sports day. In fact wear metal clothing at all times, especially at school functions. Maintain your uniform of band t-shirt, biker boots and pointless chain hanging off your jeans. For enhanced effects get an inappropriate tattoo.
- Remember to practice your guitar during playdates. For extra points, teach their visiting friends how to windmill, mosh and headbang.
- As they open the car doors at school drop-off, turn up the volume on that Iron Maiden you’ve been making them listen to. As they slope away with heads down, wind down the window and call out a goodbye while making the devil horns hand sign.
- Buy your kids metal tour t-shirts, and dress your baby in metal onesies only. As you see, I can even embarrass a six-month old.
- Play your favourite Carcass album at breakfast, and sing along in your best Jeff Walker rasp.
‘Mummy, I’m going to kill you’
‘Mum, I’m going to kill myself’
‘Mama, I not like it’
‘Seriously, I am so close to divorcing you right now’
Watch them squirm!