My Hellfest (Clisson, 16-18 June 2017)

Back from Hellfest, and now that I’ve thrown away boots so filthy they could not be salvaged, had the finest shower known to man, and laid out my 47 new band t-shirts to admire- it’s time to reflect. This was my first Hellfest, and given that it was blazing hot, I’m not much of a camper, and had a non-metal husband in tow, I think I gave it a pretty good shot. An in-depth report will follow for Broken Amp magazine, but here’s a quick round-up and photos.

HELLFEST HIGHS

  • While She Sleeps– this was really really special, an unforgettable set and an absolute privilege to be there. While She Sleeps are having an amazing year and there’s no way they should be playing at 12.15pm on an outlying stage. In any case they performed like headliners, with incredible musicianship and appreciation for their fans. And as for the stage diving- check this out:
  • Decapitated– masters at work. The Polish technical death metal pioneers absolutely blew me away- mesmerised.
  • Ultra Vomit– Ultra Vomit are Hellfest locals (from Nantes) so they may have received some special treatment, but they totally deserved their place on the main stage. Funny, good-natured, they sounded brutal even when singing about ‘ze shit et le pee pee’, and they had the whole main arena singing and dancing.
  • Shopping. Oh my goodness Hellfest was metal shopping heaven. I went completely overboard. Wondering if my new Cannibal Corpse bandana will work on the school run.
  • Clisson– lovely welcome from the locals, and superb organisation. Even the village pharmacy and optician had made satanic window displays; local kids sprayed hot festival-goers with water; despite Hellfest being sold out, I didn’t queue once, for anything, the entire weekend. Everyone knows the stories about local priests and Catholic organisations objecting to the event, but for me there was no evidence of anything but positivity.

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HELLFEST LOWS

  • Steel Panther– I was really excited about Steel Panther; I’ve always found them entertaining and Satchel is one of my favourite guitarists. However my husband was appalled- ‘rapey, juvenile, homophobic’- he just didn’t get the joke, and seeing them live I realised that maybe he had a point. Getting girls up onto the stage then pressuring then into taking off their tops? Not cool. In order for Steel Panther to work, the joke needs to be on them, not their audience. So disappointing. I still want to like them, their music is good and they seem like nice guys- but they’ve taken the joke so far that it’s no longer parody, it’s just offensive.
  • Missing Nostromo and Slayer: aargh, my two big favourites for the festival and they had to play after my flight had left last night. Dying to know how Nostromo did- such a big come-back moment for them.
  • Cashless– we dutifully charged up our Hellfest Cashless cards, only to discover that the only thing you could really buy with them was beer. There was a time when my husband and I could easily drink 200 euros’ worth of beer in one day, but that time has long gone sadly.

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HELLFEST SURPRISES

  • Motionless In White: I did not expect to like this gothic metal band, but I checked them out on the main stage and they crushed it. Great music and much heavier than I expected. I am now a fan.
  • Exercise– according to my husband’s fitbit we walked 42 kilometres over the course of the weekend! Result- makes up for all the burgers and chips we ate!
  • Chelsea Grin–  so, so fun. I may be a mum approaching 40 but I got down with the kids in the circle pit, and discovered I’m rather good at slam dancing. My eldest son would have cringed himself to death.

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LEAST SURPRISING THINGS EVER AT HELLFEST

  • The sheer number of cheese-based food options. The French really do like to eat a lot of cheese, even when it’s 37 degrees and there’s no shade. There were also lots of people eating oysters and mussels that had been sitting out in the sun all day. Bonne chance, mes amis.
  • Blokes in costumes. There were blokes in wedding dresses, monks’ habits, dinosaur suits, tutus, nappies; and there was of course the obligatory aggressive-fat-naked-guy with only a sock over his willy. I almost gagged when he brushed his back sweat over me.
  • Which-band-to-watch dilemmas– with such a strong line-up it was impossible to see everyone I wanted to see, and I was left wanting more- but there’s always next year. I LOVED Hellfest!

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