Cute Stuff My Kids Say About Metal

Metal is all-consuming, and so is parenthood. I’m a stay-at-home mum with four small children, who have no choice but to share in my love of metal. The kids are there for my guitar practice, they listen to the albums I review, they help choose my clothes; in fact the only time I’m ever away from them is when I’m at a gig.

            Many would say that metal and parenting are incompatible, and of course there are aspects that I need to keep from them, such as excessively graphic t-shirts and album covers, excessive volume on the amps. But in general metal values are positive: power, creativity, independence of expression, commitment, … and fun! A happy mother makes for happy children, and I’m never happier than when I’m doing something metal.  The kids and I discover and evaluate music together, and as I study and improve at the guitar, they are inspired to work hard too. The girls make up ballet routines to Metallica; the boys do their karate training to a Parkway Drive soundtrack. There are few things cuter than a tiny child in a band t-shirt, and in their attempts to understand metal my kids come out with some of the cutest statements. Here’s a selection…

‘Mummy look we’ve been practising our brutal faces!’

 

Before the arrival of friends for a playdate:

  • ‘Mummy you’re not going to play the guitar when they’re here are you?’
  • ‘Let’s just pretend she’s a normal mother’
  • ‘Mum could you not wear the Iron Maiden today’

 

Commenting on my attire:

  • ‘Ooh your t-shirt is scary Mummy!’
  • ‘Why do you have all those chains dangling from your trousers?’
  • ‘I sort of prefer it when you wear a dress.. ‘
  • ‘Poor Daddy’

 

On learning that I write for a metal magazine:

  • ‘Aren’t you too old for that?’
  • ‘You should get a proper job like Daddy!’ (who’s gonna pick you up from school and cook your dinner then, you little fuckers)
  • ‘Oh god, first it was boobs (I’m a breastfeeding counsellor), now it’s guitars. You are literally the most embarrassing person in the world’.

 

Helping me to review the Iced Earth album:

  • ‘Mummy, what’s a Seven-Headed Whore?’
  • ‘I know, it’s like a dragon’
  • ‘IT CANNOT BE KILLED’
  • ‘Iz a bad bad bad lady’
  • ‘It’s definitely not appropriate for us Mum’

 

On hearing the latest grindcore riff I composed:

‘Mum that is so blatantly the tune to Peppa Pig but in a minor key’

And when I try another:

‘Nope, that’s the theme to Octonauts’

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My 5yo daughter is by far the most metal member of the family:

  • ‘This is just not heavy enough for me’ (on listening to Heaven Shall Burn)
  •  ‘Mummy can’t pick me up today because she has gone to Hell’ (to her teacher when I went to Hellfest)
  • ‘Mummy, why are some people born to love metal?’
  • ‘How about some Gojira on the way to school today?’
  • ‘Oh this is EPIC!’ (on hearing the new Decapitated)

 

Arguments in the back of the car that have ended in fist-fights:

  • Whether the Children of Bodom cover of Black Winter Day is as good as the Amorphis original
  • Whether Alexi Laiho sounds like a goblin or an orc
  • Whether the Killswitch Engage version of Holy Diver is actually better than Dio’s original
  • Whether KISS is metal or not

 

And finally, for now, my 2yo before she went to sleep last night:

‘You’re my metal mama and I’m your metal baby’

 

 

With the little one still a baby, it will be a long time before we can do a family camping trip to Download or Bloodstock. However as my eldest approaches his teens, the possibilities for embarrassing him increase and I await them with glee. Just wait til I start my band…

 

 

 

 

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